What We Stand On:
3 Progressive Platform Planks (as of Sept. 18, 2016)
1. Abortion Must Stay Legal
This is non-negotiable. “Women have a right to control their own bodies.” A weak talking-point: nobody controls their own bodies. And a lot of folks don’t care about women, including our women, our bodies, ourselves. Our party will re-plane the plank and compromise the delivery of the other party’s message.
We grant that it’s killing a baby, just to reach across the aisle. To show good faith, in lieu of aborting, we’ll actualize it from its nest of womb and gift it to the other side. They then can grow it, assuming time, inclination, and economics allow. If it’s a person it’s a person. Life begins not only when the squalling babe from out the crevice is drawn or is drawn from out the belly’s caesura. Life begins when sperm meets egg and all the others die.
We must prosecute morticians and make gravediggers pay—the corpse’s cells are still alive. Every cell is precious.
Studies show, albeit cannot prove, what common sense makes clear. Low-income blacks and whites should have equal access to abortion as it reduces crime in their communities and likely ours. It should also reduce welfare expenditures. Hispanics don’t enter into it so we’re not talking to them about abortion. They are not shiftless and their religion prohibits onanism and clump removal, though there be rapists among them in great proportion, some so trumpet.
“Don’s abortion clinic—you rape ‘em, we scrape ‘em!” For the life of the mother we wonder where life begins and death is not the end. In cases of incest we turn to the South for expertise.
It is obvious that much of the problem boils down to terminology. And the media, those motherfuckers, media and culture. We abortion advocates are pro-choice and the pro-life provoke the murder of fetuses long unaborted—that is to say, the living. They once were fetuses grown up into people and they could graduate as doctors. That’s privilege. That’s luck. Time to scrap that. What’s good for the fetus is good for the abortion provider is their logical position.
Whichever positions we hold, we can all agree that in this great nation of ours we must protest. We remember pedaling past Planned Parenthood, alliterating, where stood strong a patriot gauntlet exercising their rights upon some women going in. With great regret we didn’t join them in their defense of freedom, taking our bike lock, approaching the faithful militia’s leader, swinging it so hard to his temple again and again that his brains became pudding in the broken bowl of his skull.
We will clarify matters by considering them in terms of property rights. If one creates and maintains property, one should be allowed to decide what to do with that property. We maintain that one ought to be able to abort one’s progeny until said progeny reach legal adulthood, as long as said property has been maintained through proper parenting. At the death of said progenitor, if such death occurs before property reaches adulthood, progeny rights may be transferred to said progeny, who then maintain the right to dispose of themselves, as their own property, as they wish.
As for choice, if one has chosen to copulate and then finds oneself expecting, then what was one expecting? This is not the dark ages of sexual education and you do not live in a nunnery. Only Mother Mary is exempt from this portion of our position, though even there the birth father aborted the child, finally, though He changed His mind after taking Easter weekend to think about it. In the grand scheme of things, 33 years is just the tip of the cosmic first tri-mester. Like they say, “Eternal life was hung on a nail.”
Conservatives should be for abortion. We can get those votes and abortions. Most of those who have abortions are liberal enough to have them; thus, far fewer voters-to-be are born to liberal parents. On the other hand, they are thus not in a position to reject their parents’ values, as children are wont to do, and thus become conservatives. A deadgum goddamn conundrum for sure. Nonetheless, it is poor politics for the right to criminalize abortion, as the right needs as many disappeared potential “liberals” as it can manage.
We may describe this theory as it applies to our platform in terms of pre-emptive strikes. How many of those babies unborn would have become “enemies of the state” or “raghead sandfuckers” cannot be known, though statistical and technological advances are reaching toward a final solution.
The discussion of terms is crucial. Post-natal depression disruptor. Free unprocessed stem-cell downloads for tech-savvy taxpayers. Men, stand behind your woman’s ground; it benefits you too! Voters, Cast Your Vote!: first term, second term, third term—during which term does one begin to feel most guilty of murder is a matter of consequence. The new Mountain Dew flavor. Sun Drop. The First Hundred Days. If even the President of the United States is limited to two terms, we cannot agree that more discretion be allowed a fetus.
So they said they wanted “Drill, Baby, Drill!” Well, then . . . let’s go out there and give it to ‘em! Drill that baby, drill! Drill that baby, drill! Drill baby drill drill baby drill drill
2. Case for Reparations
We stand for reparations. We agree the people should be given what they want. Give us a number then shut the hell up. We didn’t just mean what we said. That was bad. We’ll double the number. We’ll triple the number and throw in a mule. And acres, however much an acre is. Give us an infinite number. We can match it. Watch us match it from here to infinity.
The people case the joint for reparations. We’ll make our stand for reparations! Mark us down in the affirmative. Our actions may mark us as marks. Make your mark, good people. X marks the line drawn for and against reparations.
Make the case for contrition. One concession: find another name for reparations—a mere political consideration. Say we are sorry that some people derive from slaves. This has not been easy on the voters.
Our ancestors all have human rights. Equal rights for equal pay is a principle we will pay in trade. We apologize if anything we said or did can be used against us to take offense at our assertion that the people of people were chattel. This fact cannot be repaired or conceded. This blood money is only right and natural.
Pay it off with interest. But call it something else. Apologize sincerely for our innocence. Say the “new reparations.” The old reparations were the dead and wounded. Say that Freedom Isn’t Free. Say the rivers ran with blood. Remind the voters that war reparations are hardly civil. Whatever is hard is most difficult. Freedom is a casualty of slavery. Free us, we the people, from this stain.
We need numbers to proceed: 12,500,000; 1,100,000; 620,000; 3,446; 400 years; 50 states; 40 acres; 13 colonies; a couple of kind words; one nation indivisible; one mule; one leg up at a time.
This is a plank in our platform or scaffold. We have put our best people upon it.
3. Do Unto Others: Our Economic Policy
Monie$ must be rai$ed and mind$ mu$t be RE-manded. This is the reality of the modern campaign. We have an economic brain-trust to whom we yield the floor. Gentlemen, you may commence:
“Okay, so the standard pitch goes like this: ‘This rule is fucking golden, dude. You gotta trust us. We know what we’re doing. We got this guy, he works with Jesus Christ. The dude’s a cuss word! Nobody sells the Buddha like that! Who cusses with Mohammad?! Don’t make me fucking laugh. Not that I’d dare, right? [muffled laughter] You can take your Ganesh or your Zeus or whatever. We’re talking brand recognition out the ass.
So this guy we’ve got says you just gotta work the rule the right way—derivatives or something—the math is golden, trust us. But it’s so complicated nobody knows how to work it, except our guys and some Chinamen and we’re putting feelers out with them cause we’ve got a guy that talks Chinese.
The standard way the market works is that it’s kind of a criss-cross pattern—these dumbasses are obsessed with crosses—you put something in, you get something out, the love you take is equal to the love you make, all that hippie-dippie bullshit. Eyes for eyes and ashes to dust and shit like that. Funeral talk. Dead white guys.
So the guys we got work it like this. On the surface it looks like you do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That looks to these stupid assholes like it’s equal, but the trick is, you get to do to the other guy first—it’s not even in the fine print, it’s right there staring you in the face! That’s the beauty of the thing. Then, once you’ve done unto them, you explain to them very calmly that that is just exactly how you would have had it done unto you, but by then they’re totally cooked and they’re not doing jack to shit. It all comes down to your word, and you know that your word and five bucks will get them a McLyte cappuccino.
Okay, you seem legit so we’re gonna level with you. Keeping shit like this under wraps in this town of devious fucks doesn’t happen. Some of these evangelicals are working the same angle. The general principle’s been around a while. Back in the day they laid down all that meek-will-inherit-the-earth bullshit and the ones that fell for it were easy as fuck to to screw. They tried it on black people but it never really took. You can’t draw stones from a blood. It took better with the hicks. Sister-fuckers. But again, you’ve got a big problem—they’re broke. So we leave em to the bigtime preachers. Our opinion is, you gotta work the higher margins.
So it’s a shell game or a long con or whatever you wanna call it—speculation and creativity and industry—admirable traits—Christian [outright chortles]
find the right suckers and give ‘em a little break
and give ‘em even more and string ‘em along and
the whores hustle and the hustlers whore and—
then take it all back from the bitches and then some. Hit ‘em with that last-will-be-first kind of shit. The last will be first to be fucked is more like it.
There’s plenty of untapped territory, you gotta trust us on that. Plus we’ve got the mathematics behind us. Data out the ass. That’s our real advantage. Do unto others, do unto others, rinse and rinse and repeat. That’s all you’ve gotta do. It’s nothing but a simple double-cross. We crunch the numbers, you just sit back and watch the money roll in. We just get us a little commission. Trust us, it’s golden. Fool’s gold and we’re gonna take it from em. We’re gonna crucify these stupid motherfuckers on a old school cross of gold. We’re gonna make you rich and content and happy and revered and revolutionary as a fucking pig in $hit.’”
Okey-dokey. This shit don’t leave this room; now go spread it out the trunk.